i dont understand

have you ever woken up and not thought anything at all?

-

somtimes i find myself thinking that 'it'd be fun to go and stand out in the rain' so i do. but once i'm out there i find myself thinking, 'wouldn't it be invigorating to take off my clothes' so i do. but once i've done that, i find myself thinking 'wouldn't it be beautiful to climb on the rooftop', so i do. and then once i'm standing there, i find myself thinking, 'wouldn't it be magical to fall in love' and so i try. i try and try and try but i can't. and so there i am, standing naked on my rooftop in the rain trying to fall in love.

-

sometimes i find myself imagining that all we are made of is the same thing that makes us always face the same way in the shower. i think sometimes we're made of the things that tell our brain to go outside, to run. i think we're made of the same thing that makes us left or right handed, and the same thing that allows some people to kick a ball and others to not be able to. but then i realise, we're just made of molecules and atoms bound together by forces we'll never really understand, so we'll never really understand who we are.

-

but maybe that's all we need to be, naked and alone and vunerable, trying to fall in love. maybe all we need to be is molecules and atoms and chemical reactions and electrical pulses. maybe all i need to do is stop trying.
but in the end, i'll always end up alone and vunerable, because i don't understand what i really am. who i really am. i don't understand.

-

do you ever wake up and find yourself needing to be alone without yoursef?